Between me and the rain

I’m having a very melancholy evening.

Don’t ask me.

This is just something that happens periodically for me. And has happened my whole life.
I try to think of it as having the blues. It feels more poetic that way. (And maybe a little less shit?)
But I know that I have the potential to fall very deeply into sadness. And there have been a few very dark periods in my life where snapping back to the beauty of reality was completely impossible for me to do alone.

Don’t worry, tonight is not one of those times.
I’m just tired, sick (getting worse again, Blerg), and feeling a little lost in the universe.

I feel clueless about my life.
Sometimes this is a wonderful feeling. It’s liberating and it seems like your provided with infinite possibilities.

Other times it makes me think about how much work is required for me to get ANYWHERE or do ANYTHING and I become crippled with preemptive exhaustion.
How can I possibly choose what to do in my life? What if I spend too long working towards something that won’t work?

And then I become furious with myself!!
I have a number of fabulous and successful friends who have worked incredibly hard to get where they are. Why can’t I be like them? Am I so weak that just the idea of work renders me useless? Who do I think I am if I want to be successful without working hard enough to deserve it?!

My mind is actually my worst enemy.
Most of my close friends will know this already.
I am horrifically self critical. There is very little about myself that I genuinely like. There is almost nothing in my life that I’m proud of. And when I don’t have the mental energy to fight my awareness of these feelings, they can imprison me completely.

I do have a rational side that tries to remind me that I’m not the lazy, selfish, ugly shyster that I think I am. But depression is a cruel mistress. And I’m far too practiced at hating myself to be particularly rational.

I have been working very hard, for most of my life, to correct the imbalance between the way I am and the way I see myself. And it is a fucking hard task.
Sometimes I feel like its just too hard.
That’s usually when one of my amazing friends swoops in, slaps me about a bit, and reminds me that I am loved and worth loving.
I hope one day to not require such constant reminding.

I feel desperately grateful that Depression is slowly becoming a condition that people can talk about openly. I don’t know how I would have gone if I were born 5 years earlier and had to grow up in less open environs.
I mean, you all know how much I HAVE TO TALK. (or write. 😛 )

Please forgive me for this rather self obsessed blog post.
I actually had the most beautiful day in Berlin yesterday and I PROMISE to write about it soon.
I’ve just been finding the writing for this blog so incredibly cathartic. And tonight my heart hurts a little too much.
But I’m feeling a million miles better now that I have taken some time to articulate the hurt.
It’s like dealing with a ghost. You acknowledge it’s presence and then you send it away.
I will continue to be haunted for a long time. But as long as I keep working on rebuilding my self image and as long as you incredible people stay with me, I know that eventually I will get better.

I will never have the words to convey my gratitude to you all for being so kind and so full of love.
You should know that you have kept me on this earth. And I love you.

Goodnight my sweets.
You are my heroes.

Pictured – my point of contemplation


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