Heartbroken in Dresden

First things first;
Today I did errands and went shopping. Sent a package to my muma, reserved a seat for my train to Berlin, bought two dresses and collected more gifts for my sweet friends.

Now, onto more important matters;
I just saw La Boheme. Which also means that I just spent 2hrs questioning every facet of my life.

For the uninitiated, La Boheme = Boy meets Girl, they fall instantly in love. Boy realizes Girl has consumption and dumps her, in the hopes that she’ll seek a wealthy suitor who can get her the medical treatment she needs (Boy is an impoverished poet and is honestly trying to do the right thing). Girl tries to date a rich old guy, but loves Boy too much. Girl dies in Boys arms. End.

Why would you sacrifice two hours for such a sad story? Well, firstly – the music is unquestionably beautiful. All sung in Italian. All of the singers were horrifically talented. (GRUMBLEOFJOY!! Urrrggghh.)
Secondly – the spectacle!! Musetta (Girl’s friend, who iIna courtesan of sorts) in a brilliant white gown, dusted with silver brocade, galavanting through the Latin Quartier. Sheer Perfection.
Thirdly, and certainly most importantly (at least, to me) – because nothing makes me feel the dizzying highs and lows of emotion like Opera can.

I cried for 3 acts out of 4. Partially because the singing and the playing and the acting and the sets were all so terribly beautiful!

However, there was a very personal reason why I spent most of the Opera spraying from the eyes.
After devoting 11 years to the study of classical singing, I have taken an extended hiatus. It has been almost 12 months since a single note has escaped from my person.

The three years I spent on my ‘classical music performance’ bachelor degree were brutal and competitive and confidence rattling. I learned a lot. But it was just. So. Hard.
In the second year of my degree I endured one of the worst heart breaks of my young life. Which changed me from a vaguely confident young woman to an anxious, sniveling mess.
Each year of the three, I lost 2 months or more to reoccurring illnesses.
By the end of my degree, I was so physically and emotionally destroyed that I thought I would never want to sing ever again.

I have worked VERY hard this year to face my daemons and focus on restoring my physical and mental health. It has been an uphill struggle for quite some time. Especially with the string of unfortunate events that have been effecting my family over the past few months.

So: in the audience of the SemperOpera in Dresden, for the performance of La Boheme, I was facing one of my greatest heart breaks. I was mourning the loss of my musical self.
It was like the first time you see an ex after a bitter breakup. You can’t help but lose your shit.
You just have to hope that you’re outburst isn’t too undignified.

I kept thinking, “All of those musicians, they have the best life in the world. They make music! They are living my dream. They are the luckiest people on this earth.” The experience was simultaneously beautiful, inspiring, cruel and discouraging.

Right at this moment, I don’t have clue one what I need to do about this mess.
I need to find the strength to devote myself again. But I’m afraid, and still nursing the scars of recent wounds.

I think that this trip has an important part to play in my redefining my sense of self.
I’m hoping to, somehow, find some clarity regarding where I’m supposed to be and what I need to do to get there.

But, for now, I need to sleep. My head is aching from the tears.
I will never forget my night at the SemperOpera in Dresden.

Good night my sweets!

Pictured – The SemperOpera at dusk & a bust of Mozart I found hiding inside.



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